Sunday, September 23, 2007

Who lives in an overstyled whore-house like this?

MTV Cribs has been all over The Hits like a leopardskin rash this weekend, and I was unfortunate enough to catch a few of them on Saturday afternoon. MTV describe the show thus:

'Tired of living at home with mom and dad? Sick of staring at blank walls and hand-me-down furniture in your rundown apartment? Well, we've got just the solution for you -- MTV Cribs is back! And it's still your one-stop shop for living vicariously through others! In fact, it's the only place where you can get a tour of your favorite celeb's pad and be jealous of everything they have!

'Yes, get ready for another sizzling season of boom-boom bedrooms, tricked out rides and refrigerator raids. Plasma TV screens? Check. Over-the-top bathrooms? Check. Huge hot tubs? Check. This season of Cribs has it all, so you can spend your time daydreaming about how the other half lives.'

Don't you just love those phrases 'be jealous of everything they have' and 'your one-stop shop for living vicariously through others'? Why not just describe the show as 'We rub your pathetic, grubby little noses in the fabulous lives of gorgeous celebrities who have MORE THAN YOU'LL EVER SEE IN YOUR SAD LITTLE EXISTENCE! You're nothing, nothing!'

Come the revolution, I'd like the show to still be run, but re-titled Lifestyles Of The Rich and Wanky, complete with commentaries on how crappy the majority of these homes - and their residents - actually are. And this is why.

1 Every bed looks like this one. As big as a football pitch, covered in some kind of 'sexy' faux fur implying its owner is a real animal in bed. And with all those bloody pillows. Where do they put them when they go to bed? Having to take them all off in a neat little pile must take all the spontaneity out of those groupie orgies...

2 Almost every house, especially those belonging to rappers, looks like a Barratt show home, with acres of impersonal white walls, broken by nothing except a huge poster of Al Pacino in Scarface, MTV awards, and some extremely crap art that the 'star' has bought thinking that it makes them look like the Peggy Guggenheim of da hood. The houses that aren't white are inevitably, er, taupe.

3 Why do they need so many cars? Everyone on the show seems to have at least six, including the customary personalised Hummer that costs about fifty grand. Even 'stars' who've been on the scene for approximately ten minutes seem to have a fleet of motors that would make Avis look amateur - wouldn't they be better off saving their cash for when the fickle finger of fame is shoving its finger up their nose rather than pointing out a brilliant career? If only they'd be like this.

4 Money does not buy taste, especially for Mel B. Her old British home featured a disco-themed lavatory with a mirrored floor and diamante toilets. Two of them. In the same room. 'Because all girls like to go to the loo together; men don't'. Never seen a urinal, love?

6 comments:

  1. That's it. If you hate it so much I guess you can't come visit me. We're through.

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  2. I always thought it was strange programme for a "rock/Rap" channel, strangely suburban. When did lifes rebels start obsessing about taps? All the "cribs" look at bit insubstantial and plaster boardy for my liking. The English version where thy go round the bass player from the Kaiser Chiefs North Leeds back to back never really took off.

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  3. Last night I dreamed I went to a bingo hall with Gwen Stefani and while we were they, Gwen's good friend Barbara Windsor phoned and Gwen let me borrow her Dick-Tracy-style wristphone so I could tell Babs what a great time we were having. And the bingo hall made everyone get up and dance when someone shouted House. Then on the way home we rescued David Carradine who was drowning in a fountain.

    If only the lives of the rich and famous were more like this!

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  4. Ugh - cushions on the bed - ugh sooo Kelly Hoppen and common and vulgar.

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  5. I read somewhere that a lot of the cars are hired just for the filming, I think a house was once borrowed which caused a furor when the real owner noticed.

    Pauly Shore's episode of cribs was strangely tragic.

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  6. Bless their little cottons. I've yet to see a tasteful one... or indeed a book anywhere in any of them....

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